Now that the brave men and women of the United States Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines have all but vanquished their foes in Afghanistan (with modest assistance from the Northern Alliance), we’re all dying to know who we can kill next. Where else has evil been rearing its swarthy, freedom-hating head? A new CNN poll is asking this very question. It looks something like this:

Take note, Benedict Arnolds, there is no fifth option. By the way, U.S. military advisors are already in the Philippines.

Haha, actually, all this talk of killing innocent civilians in other countries is just a smokescreen; those in the know realize that the real war is in our hearts and in our heartland. Specifically, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where tens of thousands of onlookers gather every year to observe the emergence of a groundhog named Phil that divines the weather. This year, the partygoers will be joined by state police, bomb dogs, and National Guardsmen. Good for Punxsutawney Phil!, I say. We must never let the terrorists rob us of our freedom.

hazel adds:WE are the fifth option!